JULY 21, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investigation Into Promontory Financial Group Intensifies. Impact: If the investigation into Promontory Financial Group had resulted in a major scandal, it might have triggered the Great Financial Collapse of 2025. You know, just a small butterfly flapping its wings in Wall Street's backyard.. Fact: Given that we now know that financial regulators often take longer to make decisions than a sloth on a caffeine high, this investigation could be the plot twist in a very boring novel..
• Headline: Cosby's Deposition Sparks Legal Debate. Impact: If Cosby’s 2005 deposition had been taken more seriously, it could have prevented a cultural reckoning, leading to a world where #MeToo was just a hashtag for bad poetry.. Fact: In 2005, experts believed wearing socks with sandals was a fashion faux pas; clearly, they were too busy to notice Cosby's 'admissions of guilt'..
• Headline: Judges and Amicus Brief Conflicts. Impact: If judges ruled against their interests, we might have seen the rise of a superhero judiciary, fighting corporate greed one amicus brief at a time. But alas, reality is less thrilling than comic books.. Fact: The real surprise here is that judges have stakes in companies. I guess they really do want to make a profit off their gavel bashing..
• Headline: ISIS Transforming Into Functioning State That Uses Terror as Tool. Impact: The transformation of ISIS into a functioning state could lead to a future where 'Terrorism 2.0' becomes a business model. Who knew that chaos could be so entrepreneurial?. Fact: The irony here is that while ISIS is busy 'governing', they're also the worst at customer service. Just try calling them to complain about your lack of human rights..
• Headline: ‘Kids,’ Then and Now. Impact: If 'Kids' had been received with open arms instead of shock, we might have seen a renaissance of gritty films, pushing Hollywood to rethink the concept of 'family-friendly' into a much darker realm.. Fact: Fun fact: Larry Clark’s movie is so controversial that it could probably be classified as a horror film by today's standards, given how terrifying the realities of adolescence can be..