JUNE 25, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Charleston Families Embrace Love After Tragedy. Impact: The families' quest for love and forgiveness creates a ripple effect, inspiring future generations to start a trend of peaceful protests. In 2050, a 'Forgiveness Festival' becomes the biggest event of the year, ironically leading to the rise of a new vegan cheese brand that takes over the world. Cheese lovers rejoice, but the lactose-intolerant are not amused.. Fact: Did you know that instead of proper healing, the idea of forgiveness might just lead to an annual cheese festival? Yeah, because that's how we deal with trauma in the 21st century..
• Headline: Obama's Trade Legislation: A Compromise Approach. Impact: This trade victory ignites a series of political backstabbings that eventually leads to the creation of a new political party: The Bi-Partisan Backstabbers. By 2025, they manage to secure a seat in Congress, primarily because their slogan is 'At least we're honest about it.'. Fact: Fun fact: Working with Republicans is like inviting a raccoon to a picnic—someone’s definitely going to end up with a mess on their hands..
• Headline: Blue Note Expands to China and Hawaii. Impact: The expansion to China leads to a massive cultural exchange, resulting in a jazz fusion that somehow combines traditional Chinese instruments with the smooth sounds of a saxophone. By 2030, this new genre becomes so popular that it sparks a global shortage of saxophones, causing a black market to flourish.. Fact: Did you know that jazz was originally just a bunch of guys trying to sound cool? And now, it’s leading to international saxophone smuggling? Yeah, progress!.
• Headline: Insurance Subsidies Remain, but So Do Health Law Questions. Impact: The stabilization of health premiums leads to an unforeseen boom in yoga studios and organic kale sales. By 2035, the world discovers that their health was never about insurance, but rather the right Instagram filter to showcase their green smoothies.. Fact: Did you know that the secret to health in the 21st century is actually how many followers you have? Because, clearly, that makes you an expert in everything from nutrition to politics..
• Headline: Zane Lowe, the D.J. Scratching Out Beats 1 for Apple. Impact: Zane Lowe's influence at Apple leads to a new genre of music called 'Apple Beats,' which, ironically, is just the sound of people trying to find their lost AirPods in the couch cushions. This phenomenon leads to the creation of a new dance craze, the 'Missing Pod Shuffle,' which sweeps the nation.. Fact: Did you know that being a DJ for a tech company is basically like being a modern-day wizard? You wave your magical mixing wand, and suddenly everyone's lost in an endless loop of overpriced music subscriptions..