JUNE 7, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton's Strategic Shift in Campaigning. Impact: Hillary's friendly path leads to a series of increasingly complicated Democratic strategies, resulting in future candidates opting for interpretive dance as a campaign strategy. Spoiler: it doesn't work.. Fact: Did you know that Hillary's strategy was actually inspired by a game of chess she played against a pigeon? The pigeon won, and the rest is history..
• Headline: The Long Wait for the Triple Crown Trophy. Impact: The Triple Crown trophy's 37-year wait for a home leads to a national obsession with cleanliness, resulting in a bizarre era where all trophies must be handled with gloves, leading to the rise of the 'Gloved Trophy Handler' profession.. Fact: Fun fact: the trophy was almost permanently housed in a museum dedicated to unsung heroes of equestrian sports, but the exhibit got lost in the mail..
• Headline: Prison Escape: Tools and Deception Unleashed. Impact: The prison break leads to a nationwide trend of DIY escape kits being sold on the black market, which eventually culminates in a reality TV show where contestants must try to escape from various prisons. Spoiler: it gets messy.. Fact: Did you know that the two killers originally planned to escape using only a spoon? Apparently, they misread 'prison break' as a cooking show..
• Headline: Deutsche Bank Co-Chief Executives Resign. Impact: The resignation of Deutsche Bank's co-CEOs prompts a game of musical chairs in the finance world, resulting in an economic rollercoaster where the only constant is everyone's confusion about who is in charge.. Fact: Did you know that John Cryan once tried to become a professional juggler? Turns out, handling finances is just as difficult!.
• Headline: Erdogan’s Governing Party in Turkey Loses Parliamentary Majority. Impact: Erdogan's loss of majority leads to a series of increasingly bizarre attempts to consolidate power, including a national 'Power Pose Day' where everyone must strike a power pose to boost his confidence.. Fact: Fun fact: Erdogan once attempted to change the national anthem to a rap song, but due to a lack of rhythm, it was swiftly rejected..