JUNE 5, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fed Resists External Aid on Investigations. Impact: If the Fed had actually accepted outside aid, we might have ended up with an intergalactic financial committee, complete with alien auditors from the Andromeda Galaxy – talk about inflation! Now, thanks to their stubbornness, we just have a bunch of terrestrial economists scratching their heads.. Fact: The Federal Reserve is often called the 'Fed' because saying 'The Federal Reserve System' in one breath is a workout. Also, it makes them sound like a secret society. Spoiler: they are not..
• Headline: Walker Reshapes College Tenure in Wisconsin. Impact: Scott Walker's control over tenure decisions could lead to a future where college professors are replaced with TikTok influencers. Imagine a world where your history lessons come with dance breaks – hashtag educational!. Fact: Scott Walker once tried to eliminate collective bargaining rights for public workers. You know, because who needs a voice when you can just let the government do all the thinking for you?.
• Headline: Preserving Midtown's Architectural Heritage. Impact: The loss of historic architecture leads us down a path where future generations will think 'McMansion' is a style of art, and the Louvre will feature an exhibit on 'The Great Fast Food Architecture of the 21st Century'.. Fact: The only thing more resilient than preservationists is their ability to complain about gentrification while sipping artisanal coffee in a newly renovated historic district..
• Headline: Strong Job Growth Data Eases Concerns After Winter Dip in Economy. Impact: The strong job growth figures might have created a ripple effect that leads to a future where everyone is employed, and the only job left unfilled is 'Professional Cat Cuddler'. Because who wouldn't want that?. Fact: 280,000 jobs added might sound impressive, but let’s be real – half of those are probably just people leaving one retail job for another. Welcome to the 'great American job shuffle'..
• Headline: Turn-Ons: Peppermints, Cool Breezes. Turnoffs: Mares Who Move Too Fast.. Impact: If American Pharoah’s sire had been less picky, we could have had a dynasty of racehorses that could also do your taxes. Who knew the equine world had such high standards?. Fact: Pioneerof the Nile is not just a stallion; he’s also a significant contributor to the world of horse racing, which is arguably the only sport where you can bet on the performance of a creature that can’t complain about its job..