JUNE 1, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Belmont Stakes: A New Era of Attendance. Impact: As crowd sizes shrank, horse racing enthusiasts turned to knitting and competitive chess as alternative hobbies, leading to an unexpected boom in both industries. Who knew the horse racing world would spark a renaissance of cozy sweaters?. Fact: Despite the smaller crowd, American Pharoah still got a standing ovation from the horses in the paddock. They really know how to put on a show!.
• Headline: Rutledge's Power Play in Cable Industry. Impact: With Thomas M. Rutledge’s rise to power, a secret cabal of cable executives began plotting to replace all public parks with Wi-Fi hotspots, leading to a nationwide shortage of trees. Who needs nature when you have high-speed internet?. Fact: Prior to this deal, Rutledge was known for his impeccable collection of cable ties—and not the fun kind you use for crafting..
• Headline: Challenges for Ex-Guantánamo Detainees in Qatar. Impact: The travel ban led to a global dilemma where countries began to compete for the title of 'most welcoming' by offering all sorts of questionable prizes like complimentary timeshares and all-you-can-eat buffets, redefining international diplomacy.. Fact: Qatar has a thriving tourism industry, but apparently, it doesn’t extend to ex-detainees. Must be the new travel ban brochure they forgot to print..
• Headline: Prices Are Down, but Saudis Keep Oil Flowing. Impact: Saudi Arabia’s decision to keep oil flowing set off a chain reaction that resulted in a global shortage of 'I Love Oil' bumper stickers, leading to a black market for environmentally-conscious slogans. Who knew oil could be so... fashionable?. Fact: Saudis are quite the gamblers; they figured if they keep the oil flowing, someone will eventually figure out how to turn it into an energy drink!.
• Headline: Use of Tasers Is Scrutinized After Walter Scott Shooting. Impact: The scrutiny of Tasers led to a nationwide 'Taser Awareness Week,' during which people were encouraged to hug their local officers instead. Unfortunately, the hug-a-cop program quickly devolved into a public wrestling match.. Fact: Walter Scott’s tragic death led to numerous policy changes, but none quite as effective as the new 'hug it out' strategy, which is still in beta testing..