MAY 7, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Elton Simpson's Deadly Attack in Texas. Impact: If only Elton had opted for a more peaceful hobby, like knitting, we might have avoided a whole new genre of conspiracy theories about cartoonists and their safety. Who knew that drawing could lead to a renaissance in home security systems?. Fact: Did you know that the FBI once had a whole division dedicated to monitoring people who draw cartoons? Just kidding, but with this case, they might as well have!.
• Headline: Johnson & Johnson's Bioethics Panel Initiative. Impact: Creating a bioethics panel for trial drugs is like putting a safety net under a tightrope walker—great idea, until you realize the tightrope is over a pit of hungry crocodiles. The ripple effect? Expect a surge in 'experimental' medicine parties.. Fact: Fun fact: The last time a company made a bioethics panel, they ended up with a reality show. Spoiler alert: it was not a hit..
• Headline: Google's Bold Move into Wireless Industry. Impact: Google's attempt to disrupt wireless could lead to a future where we all pay for our internet via interpretive dance. Just imagine the data caps on that! The search engine could become a search and dance engine.. Fact: Did you know that Google once tried to patent the concept of 'Internet'? They were denied, but only because they forgot to include 'world domination' in the application..
• Headline: Senate Easily Passes Bill for a Voice on Iran Nuclear Accord. Impact: The Senate giving Congress a voice on the Iran deal is like giving a toddler a megaphone—something is bound to go wrong. Who knows, maybe this will spark a new trend in diplomatic karaoke.. Fact: Did you know that the last time Congress had a say in foreign affairs, they accidentally started a bake sale instead of a war? That’s how we got cookies instead of crises..
• Headline: The Price of Nice Nails. Impact: The plight of underpaid manicurists might inspire a national movement for nail art justice. Imagine a world where everyone has perfectly manicured nails and no one is exploited—oh wait, that sounds like a dystopian sci-fi novel.. Fact: Fun fact: The average person spends more time choosing a nail polish color than they do researching their political candidates. Priorities, right?.