MAY 2, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: NSA's Response to Domestic Data Collection Limits. Impact: The NSA's lack of resistance led to a series of events where Congress realized they could actually take a stand, resulting in a dramatic decrease in public trust in government. In turn, this sparked the rise of conspiracy theories, including the infamous 'Lizard People in Congress' theory. Fact: The NSA might not howl, but they definitely have a collection of howls recorded for 'research purposes'.
• Headline: Rodriguez Reflects on Regrets and Mays. Impact: Rodriguez’s regrets set off a chain reaction in sports culture where players became increasingly paranoid about their legacies, leading to a wave of steroids-free athletes and a rise in 'clean' sportswashing that eventually morphed into a bizarre reality TV show about retired athletes finding redemption. Fact: Alex Rodriguez has more regrets than a 14-year-old who just got dumped for the first time.
• Headline: F.E.C. Can’t Curb 2016 Election Abuse, Commission Chief Says. Impact: This stalemate among F.E.C. commissioners has led to a world where campaign finance laws are more complex than any tax code, resulting in a generation of voters who feel like they need a law degree just to understand who’s funding their candidates. The ultimate irony? The candidates often don’t even know either!. Fact: If the F.E.C. were a sitcom, it would be the one that got cancelled after the first season for being too boring.
• Headline: Stroke of Fate. Impact: This personal story of identity crisis resonates through time, inspiring a new wave of self-help books and wellness retreats focused on 'finding yourself after a stroke', eventually leading to a bizarre trend of themed yoga classes for people with mid-life crises. Fact: Having a stroke at 40 is a wake-up call, but having a mid-life crisis at 40 is just a Tuesday.