APRIL 8, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: F.D.A. Silent on Diet Supplement Risks. Impact: In a twist of fate, the FDA's cover-up on diet supplements led to an underground movement of rogue nutritionists who formed secret societies. They now meet in basements to trade 'safe' supplement recipes, resulting in a thriving black market for kale smoothies and coconut oil.. Fact: Did you know that the FDA once thought 'BMPEA' stood for 'Boring Medical Paper Everyone Avoids'? They were wrong, but it sounds about right for their communication skills..
• Headline: Review of 'Hand to God' Puppet Comedy. Impact: The puppet's rise to fame sparked a puppet revolution, where inanimate objects began demanding rights. Now we have a faction of sentient socks lobbying for better working conditions in laundry baskets.. Fact: Funny how a foul-talking puppet can get more attention than actual politicians. Maybe we should elect puppets instead?.
• Headline: Royal Dutch Shell to Buy BG Group for Nearly $70 Billion. Impact: The merger sent shockwaves through the energy sector, leading to a worldwide shortage of natural gas and the rise of candle-making as a trendy hobby. People now host 'candle-making parties' to cope with the darkness of their poor energy choices.. Fact: For nearly $70 billion, one could buy a lot of candles. Just saying, Shell could have created a cozy atmosphere instead of just merging companies..
• Headline: Apple Watch Review: Bliss, but Only After a Steep Learning Curve. Impact: The Apple Watch led to a dystopian future where people became so dependent on technology that they started using their watches to communicate with their houseplants. Now we have a generation of highly informed ferns.. Fact: Steep learning curve? More like a vertical cliff! But hey, if you can conquer the watch, maybe you can finally conquer your fear of socializing..