MARCH 22, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jeb Bush's Strategy for Florida Victory. Impact: Jeb's meticulous plotting in Florida sparked a chain reaction of campaign strategies that led to a decade of increasingly bizarre political ads, culminating in a man in a giant inflatable alligator shouting about taxes during a 2032 gubernatorial race.. Fact: Did you know that the Florida state fruit is the orange? Too bad Jeb couldn't just run on that juicy platform instead!.
• Headline: Geriatric Gangsters Face Justice. Impact: The sight of aging gangsters in court led to the rise of geriatric crime dramas, ultimately inspiring a hit series where elderly mobsters outsmart their own grandchildren in an attempt to reclaim their youth... and pensions.. Fact: It's said that crime doesn't pay, but apparently, it does give you great health insurance if you live long enough!.
• Headline: NC State Shocks Villanova in 2015 Upset. Impact: North Carolina State's shocking victory was the catalyst for an annual tradition of underdogs rising up, resulting in a 2045 'Cinderella Tournament' where every participant wore glass slippers while playing basketball.. Fact: Did you know that the NCAA tournament is the only time of year when every fan suddenly becomes an expert on basketball? It’s like magic!.
• Headline: Thousands Join Brooklyn Father Mourning 7 With ‘Faces of Angels’. Impact: The tragic loss of the Sassoon children sparked a wave of community support, leading to the creation of a national 'Protect Our Kids' initiative that ironically involved more bureaucracy than actual protection.. Fact: It's heartbreaking to think about such loss, but did you know that the average parent spends over 30 hours a week worrying? Talk about a full-time job!.
• Headline: Review: ‘Ernani,’ With Plácido Domingo, a Tussle to Hold on to a Love. Impact: Plácido Domingo's struggle to hold onto a love story in 'Ernani' inspired a generation of tenors to start crooning love songs to their houseplants, believing that nurturing them would somehow lead to an opera career.. Fact: Fun fact: The Metropolitan Opera has more drama backstage than onstage. It's like a reality show, but with more arias and fewer hair extensions!.