MARCH 9, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Doping Controversies in Cycling Exposed. Impact: If Armstrong had been caught earlier, cycling might have remained a niche sport instead of the global spectacle it is today. Instead, we got a doping scandal that made us question the integrity of athletes everywhere—thanks, Lance!. Fact: Lance Armstrong's confession not only tarnished his legacy but also paved the way for countless athletes to blame their failures on bad coaching instead of performance-enhancing drugs. 'I was just following orders' is now a universal excuse!.
• Headline: Goldman Sachs Faces Stress Test Challenges. Impact: Goldman Sachs's stress test failure could be the butterfly that flaps its wings and leads to a new financial crisis. Who knew that a bunch of analysts could hold the fate of the economy in their hands while sipping overpriced lattes?. Fact: Stress tests are like the pop quizzes of the banking world—except instead of a failing grade, you get a potential government bailout. Sounds fair, right?.
• Headline: Cable Bundle Dispute with Viacom. Impact: This dispute could lead to the death of cable as we know it, forcing people to finally learn how to talk to each other instead of binge-watching reality shows. The horror!. Fact: The cable bundle is like a bad relationship—you keep paying for things you don’t use, but you’re too afraid to break up because you might miss that one channel that shows reruns of 90s sitcoms..
• Headline: In New Exam for Cabbies, Knowledge of Streets Takes a Back Seat. Impact: By removing geography from the cabbie exam, New York has set the stage for a future where every ride is a scenic tour of the city’s worst traffic. Who needs knowledge when you have GPS?. Fact: New York cabbies used to know every street and shortcut, but now with the new exam, they might as well just ask you for directions. 'You want to go where? Good luck with that!'.
• Headline: Race in Iraq and Syria to Record and Shield Art Falling to ISIS. Impact: As art falls to ISIS, the future of cultural heritage hangs by a thread. One could argue that the destruction of art leads to a lack of inspiration for future generations, turning them into a bunch of TikTok stars with no appreciation for the classics.. Fact: The loss of art in war zones is so tragic that it’s like watching a modern-day Pandora’s box being opened—once it’s gone, it’s gone for good. Who knew history could be so easily vandalized?.