MARCH 6, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Innovating Mail Delivery Vehicles. Impact: If only the Postal Service had figured out a way to send emails instead of reinventing the wheel... or in this case, the mail truck. Imagine a world where your junk mail arrives faster than your actual letters. The future of procrastination is at hand!. Fact: Did you know that before the invention of the mail truck, letters were delivered by carrier pigeons? Just kidding—imagine the chaos if your love letter was intercepted by a hungry hawk!.
• Headline: Corporate Response to Human Rights Litigation. Impact: This backlash against human rights lawyers will eventually lead to a world where corporations are more concerned about their reputations than actual human rights. Congratulations, we’re officially in the age of 'Corporate Empathy'—the kind that ends with a nicely worded statement but no real action.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'human rights' was invented in the 20th century, but apparently, some companies are still stuck in the 18th century when it comes to their moral compass..
• Headline: AbbVie Acquires Pharmacyclics for $21 Billion. Impact: This deal will lead to AbbVie becoming the poster child for pharmaceutical companies everywhere, resulting in a future where every corporate merger is accompanied by a dramatic soundtrack and a team of lawyers ready to defend the indefensible. Spoiler: The plot twist is always profit.. Fact: Did you know that CEO stands for 'Chief Executive Officer'? I always thought it stood for 'Chief Eager Overpayer' given how much they forked over for this company!.
• Headline: Iran Gains Influence in Iraq as Shiite Forces Fight ISIS. Impact: The increased influence of Iran in Iraq will lead to a complicated geopolitical soap opera where each episode ends with cliffhangers, betrayals, and lots of popcorn. Stay tuned for the next season of 'Middle Eastern Politics: The Reality Show'.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'ISIS' can also stand for 'I Should've Invested in Stability'—a lesson many are learning the hard way..
• Headline: Review: ‘Fish in the Dark,’ Larry David’s Antic Broadway Debut. Impact: Larry David's Broadway debut will spark a wave of sitcom stars trying their hand at theater, resulting in a future where every Broadway show is just a sitcom episode stretched to two hours. Spoiler alert: It's still awkward.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than writing a Broadway play is getting Larry David to stop being Larry David? Good luck with that!.