FEBRUARY 12, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Protests Emerge Over Affordable Housing Plans. Impact: The protests over affordable housing led to a nationwide movement where everyone suddenly decided they wanted to live next to a community garden. This sparked a significant rise in hipster barista jobs, which eventually caused a shortage of bearded men in plaid shirts. Who knew a weed could change the fabric of society?. Fact: Community gardens are often the only place where people can agree on something, which ironically isn't usually the case when they start arguing over who gets to plant the tomatoes..
• Headline: The Pillow Cure Experiment. Impact: The quest for the perfect pillow ignited a global pillow war, leading to the establishment of the International Pillow Federation. Pillow fights became an Olympic sport and expert pillow fluffers emerged as the new rock stars of the 21st century.. Fact: Studies show that 90% of people who buy fancy pillows still end up sleeping on their old, flat ones because, let's face it, comfort is overrated..
• Headline: Comedy Central Ponders How to Replace Jon Stewart. Impact: The search for Jon Stewart's replacement resulted in the rise of countless mediocre comedians trying to fill his shoes, leading to a timeline where bad jokes became a form of political commentary. The world now suffers from an epidemic of cringe-worthy late-night TV.. Fact: Comedy Central once considered a pet goldfish as a potential replacement—turns out it could only deliver one-liners, which was still more than half of the candidates they interviewed..
• Headline: At the Time Warner Center, an Enclave of Powerful Russians. Impact: The influx of powerful Russian money into luxury real estate led to a bizarre real estate bubble, where properties were bought with mysterious cash and sold at astronomical prices. This eventually led to a rise in conspiracy theories about Russian oligarchs secretly controlling the New York real estate market, which is probably more interesting than the truth.. Fact: The Time Warner Center's luxury condos were so exclusive that even the doormen had to pass a background check—because apparently, just being a regular human wasn’t enough to handle the pressure of elite living..