FEBRUARY 6, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Decline in Teach for America Applicants. Impact: The decline of top graduates joining Teach for America set off a nationwide chain reaction. Schools, in a desperate bid to fill teaching positions, began hiring former circus clowns, thinking they could engage students better. This resulted in a generation of children who could juggle and ride unicycles but could not spell or do math.. Fact: It turns out juggling is not an accredited teaching method. Who knew?.
• Headline: Anthem Data Breach Reveals Security Gaps. Impact: The Anthem hacking incident opened the floodgates for cybercriminals everywhere. In a bizarre twist, this led to the rise of 'cybersecurity consultants' who were actually just teenagers in their basements playing video games and calling it 'data protection.'. Fact: 80 million records is a lot of data; enough to compile a multi-season reality show about healthcare woes. 'Keeping Up with the Patients' would have been a hit!.
• Headline: Ally Financial's Bold New Direction. Impact: Ally Financial's new leadership sparked a corporate renaissance, inspiring other companies to ditch their boring titles and adopt more dramatic ones, like 'Chief Happiness Officer' and 'Director of Shenanigans.' This changed the dynamics of board meetings forever.. Fact: Remember when GMAC was just a car financing company? Now it's a financial institution with a name that sounds like it should be a hipster cafe..
• Headline: Amid Gains in Jobs and Pay, Americans Rejoin the Work Force. Impact: As Americans rejoined the workforce, a mysterious phenomenon occurred: coffee consumption skyrocketed, leading to a global coffee shortage. This inadvertently caused a spike in the popularity of tea, changing the beverage landscape forever. Long live Earl Grey!. Fact: 257,000 jobs added is just enough to make your average couch potato realize they need to get off the couch and into a job... or at least to the fridge..
• Headline: A Political Animal. Impact: The appointment of a point person for animal well-being in NYC led to an unexpected rise in animal protests and the formation of a 'Paw-liament'. This eventually resulted in cats becoming the unofficial mayors of New York, holding press conferences from their windows.. Fact: In New York, animals have more rights than some humans. Welcome to the future of politics!.