FEBRUARY 5, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Appeal of Executive Desktop Toys. Impact: The rise of executive toys led to the unexpected birth of the 'adult playtime' industry, resulting in the ludicrous phenomenon of 'stress balls' being used in corporate team-building retreats. Who knew that a rubber chicken could save a board meeting?. Fact: Did you know that the fidget spinner was actually a government experiment to distract the masses while they plotted world domination? Just kidding... or am I?.
• Headline: New Insights on 9/11 Report Controversy. Impact: The revelations about Saudi connections to 9/11 kickstarted a new era of conspiracy theories, including the infamous 'Birds Aren't Real' movement, which somehow gained more traction than actual facts. Talk about a distraction!. Fact: Did you know that the 9/11 report had more redacted pages than a toddler's crayon drawing? It's almost like they were hiding something... but who could guess what?.
• Headline: Millions of Anthem Customers Targeted in Cyberattack. Impact: The Anthem cyberattack inadvertently led to the birth of a new profession: 'Digital Data Recovery Specialist.' Now, instead of just recovering from a hangover, people can recover their identities from hackers. Progress?. Fact: Did you know that hackers are just modern-day pirates, except instead of treasure maps, they have spreadsheets? Arrr, matey, hand over your Social Security number!.