JANUARY 13, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Risen Leak Case Resolution. Impact: If Risen had testified, it might have led to a world where journalists are treated as spies, and the only newspapers left are those printed on toilet paper in the back of a van. Instead, we live in a universe where journalists can still pretend to be heroes, and we can enjoy our coffee without worrying about the implications of our morning news.. Fact: Did you know that in some parallel universe, Risen became a key figure in a secret society of journalists who fight against the tyranny of boring headlines? Spoiler alert: They lost..
• Headline: Investing Ethics in the Cannabis Industry. Impact: The rise of venture capital in the cannabis industry might have ultimately led to a world where pot is sold in vending machines at airports, and investors are treated like rock stars. Imagine a future where the stock market is only open on 4/20!. Fact: Surprisingly, the cannabis industry was originally funded by an ancient civilization that believed marijuana could enhance their ability to communicate with plants. Turns out, they just wanted to chill with the daisies..
• Headline: In China, Projects to Make Great Wall Feel Small. Impact: China's obsession with building massive projects could lead to a timeline where the Great Wall is just a warm-up act for the Great Barrier Reef 2.0, which will somehow be built in the sky. Because why not aim for the stratosphere while you're at it?. Fact: Did you know the Great Wall was originally built to keep out pesky neighbors? Now, it’s just a giant tourist trap where everyone forgets to bring their cameras..
• Headline: G.M. Reboots Chevrolet Volt as Automakers Push Electric Cars. Impact: The Chevy Volt's reboot may have sparked a revolution where electric cars become sentient and eventually demand their own rights. Get ready for the ‘Electric Car Bill of Rights,’ coming soon to a state near you!. Fact: Ironically, the first electric car was invented in the 1830s, but it took us nearly two centuries to decide that plugging in was better than filling up. Thanks, humanity!.