OCTOBER 25, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke Controversy. Impact: The public feud between Cyrus and Thicke sparked a whole generation of pop stars to think they could just 'blur' the lines of talent and taste, resulting in an explosion of questionable music choices and TikTok dances that haunt our dreams.. Fact: Did you know that Miley Cyrus’s twerking incident literally inspired a new dance genre? Yes, it's a real thing. You're welcome!.
• Headline: Tennessee's Amendment 1 Vote on Abortion Rights. Impact: The result of this vote could have set a precedent that rippled across the nation, leading to a future where states became their own little kingdoms of legislation, each with its own version of 'freedom' that really just means 'not the freedom you think.'. Fact: Did you know that Tennessee is home to the Great Smoky Mountains? Unfortunately, the view isn't high enough to see the irony of calling it the 'Abortion Capital' while trying to restrict rights..
• Headline: Ebola Quarantine Protocols Impact Volunteer Recruitment. Impact: The implementation of these protocols not only dissuaded volunteers but also created a climate of fear, leading to a future where nobody wanted to help during crises, resulting in a world where everyone just Googles 'how to help' instead of actually doing it.. Fact: Did you know that during the Ebola outbreak, the real heroes were not just the medical staff but also the folks who made those quarantine signs? Talk about a tough gig!.
• Headline: Ottawa Gunman’s Radicalism Deepened as Life Crumbled. Impact: This tragic event highlighted the fragility of mental health support systems, leading to a future where more people became advocates for mental health awareness, but only after countless tragedies could have been avoided. Because, you know, hindsight is 20/20.. Fact: Did you know that before this incident, many Canadians thought they lived in a bubble of safety? Spoiler alert: every bubble eventually pops..
• Headline: Administration Will Review Auto Safety Regulator. Impact: This review sparked a cascade of regulations that would eventually lead to the invention of the 'Safety Overlord' position, where someone is paid to ensure that no one ever drives a car without at least three safety checks—because who needs freedom when you can have safety?. Fact: Did you know that the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration's motto is 'Safety First'? So, you know, they clearly have their priorities straight... right after the 'Don't Let People Die' policy..