OCTOBER 10, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Amazon Expands into New York City's Real Estate. Impact: As Amazon sets up shop, small businesses in NYC unknowingly begin a new trend of 'hipster brick-and-mortar' stores, selling overpriced artisanal air in protest of corporate giants. Who knew a delivery service could create an entire subculture of overpriced nonsense?. Fact: If Amazon ever runs out of space, they plan to build upwards—because who needs ground-level real estate when you can just build your own sky-high empire?.
• Headline: Paying Respects, Pentagon Revives Vietnam, and War Over Truth. Impact: The Pentagon’s selective memory on Vietnam paves the way for future generations to rewrite history, leading to the creation of 'alternative history' classes in schools where students learn that the U.S. actually won the war by simply leaving it out of the curriculum. Fact: The Pentagon's website had a section on 'how to honor veterans' that was just a long list of ways to avoid discussing what actually happened during the war.
• Headline: The Finest of Dead People. Impact: The success of 'Ghost Quartet' leads to a meteoric rise in posthumous performances, with the entire music industry shifting focus to 'un-dead' artists, ultimately resulting in holographic concerts that overshadow actual living musicians. Because who needs the living when you can have the dead steal the show?. Fact: The show was originally going to feature only zombies, but the producers decided that their dance moves were just too 'undead' for Broadway.