AUGUST 26, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rise of Bitcoin A.T.M.s. Impact: If you deposit cash into a Bitcoin ATM, you might inadvertently create a time loop where future generations lose all sense of currency value, leading to a world where people barter with artisanal avocados.. Fact: Did you know that in some places, Bitcoin ATMs are more common than public restrooms? Good luck finding change for that!.
• Headline: Montebourg: A Socialist in a Divided Cabinet. Impact: Montebourg's political disagreements with the President could have sparked a secret society of disgruntled leftists who, in an alternate timeline, end up starting a revolutionary coffee shop chain called 'Revolution Roast'.. Fact: Fun fact: Montebourg once suggested that France should brand its own chocolate. Because what better way to distract from political strife than with sweet, sugary treats?.
• Headline: Summer Reading Insights on Business Trends. Impact: Sorkin's summer reading list inadvertently inspired a cult of followers who believe that reading about finance can unlock the secrets of the universe—leading to a new age of enlightened billionaires who only wear tie-dye.. Fact: Just a heads up: Reading about business doesn’t automatically make you a millionaire. But it does give you enough jargon to impress your friends..
• Headline: Courting Tim Hortons, Burger King Has Plans for a Fast-Food Empire. Impact: Burger King's investment in Tim Hortons could have led to a secret plan to create a Fast Food Illuminati, where members are sworn to eternal loyalty through the consumption of fries and maple syrup.. Fact: Did you know that combining coffee and burgers is the modern-day equivalent of mixing oil and water? There’s a reason it’s called ‘fast food’—because your stomach will run away from you!.
• Headline: Election Panel Enacts Policies by Not Acting. Impact: The Federal Election Commission's inaction paved the way for a new era of shadowy political financing, resulting in a future where lobbyists are considered the new rock stars—complete with their own fan clubs.. Fact: Fun fact: The FEC's motto should be 'Why do today what you can put off until next year?' If only procrastination could be taxed!.