AUGUST 25, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Vice Pursues Real News Commitment. Impact: In an alternate timeline, Vice's shift to serious news led to an explosion of serious journalism, which in turn caused a generation of meme-loving teens to spontaneously combust from lack of irony. The world was forever changed when they decided to actually care about the news.. Fact: Did you know that serious news is just a conspiracy to make you less entertained? I mean, who needs facts when you have cat videos?.
• Headline: Rethinking Strategies in Data Storage Market. Impact: In a twist of fate, the rethinking of core business models by Box, Dropbox, and Hightail led to a secret society of cloud storage enthusiasts who now control the world’s data. They meet in basements, and yes, they have snacks.. Fact: Did you know that ‘Hightail’ was originally a euphemism for running away from bad ideas? Now it’s just corporate jargon in a cloud..
• Headline: NBC News Revitalization Efforts. Impact: Deborah Turness's revival of NBC News sparked an unlikely rivalry with a cat video network, which began reporting on the daily lives of kittens with unexpected political commentary. Who knew the future of news would involve more cats?. Fact: Fun fact: Matt Lauer once thought about changing careers to become a professional napper. Too bad he decided to stick with 'Today.'.
• Headline: Weary of Pro Tennis Delays? Cry Into the Towel. Impact: Every towel used in tennis now has a tiny microphone implanted in it, leading to an age where players spill their deepest secrets during matches. Instead of tennis, we now have reality TV with rackets.. Fact: Roger Federer’s ‘security blanket’ comment led to a surge in towel sales—who knew high-stakes tennis could double as a home goods convention?.
• Headline: Central Bankers’ New Gospel: Spur Jobs, Wages and Inflation. Impact: The central bankers' focus on jobs created a time loop where every job created resulted in three new problems. By 2030, there was a job for every problem, and people were just looking for jobs to complain about.. Fact: Did you know that central bankers are basically the wizards of the economy? They wave their wands and hope for rainbows, but usually just get clouds instead..