AUGUST 6, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Big Banks’ Living Wills Criticized. Impact: When the Federal Reserve and the F.D.I.C. criticized big banks' 'living wills,' it set off a chain reaction that led to more convoluted financial jargon. Imagine a world where 'living wills' became a hot new trend in funeral planning—'Sorry, Grandma, but I’m going with a hedge fund instead of a traditional burial.'. Fact: Did you know the term 'living will' originally referred to the financial plans of big banks? Just kidding! It’s always been about dying. But now we can add banks to the list of things that need a will!.
• Headline: No Charges in Rikers Inmate Beatings Case. Impact: The decision not to charge Rikers officers for their actions led to a delightful societal outcome where accountability became as rare as a unicorn sighting. This inspired a new trend of 'get out of jail free' cards, but only if you work in corrections.. Fact: Did you know that 'Rikers Island' is actually a mispronunciation of 'Rikers' 'I don’t have to follow the rules' Island? It’s a popular vacation spot for those who prefer to avoid accountability..
• Headline: N.C.A.A. Changes: Power Conferences' New Rules. Impact: The N.C.A.A. allowing top conferences to play by their own rules set off a domino effect where college athletes started demanding more rights. Some even proposed starting a new league called 'The League of Extraordinary Student-Athletes'—which sounds both heroic and highly impractical.. Fact: Did you know that 'N.C.A.A.' stands for 'Never Compensate Athletes Actually'? It’s a great way to ensure that everyone gets rich except the ones actually sweating on the field!.
• Headline: British Bank Standard Chartered Faces Action, Again, by New York State. Impact: Standard Chartered facing action from New York State marked the beginning of a trend where banks became the favorite scapegoats in economic discussions, leading to a new genre of memes: 'Banks be like: ‘Oops, we did it again!’. Fact: Did you know that Standard Chartered is actually just a fancy way of saying 'We’ll charter a plane to avoid responsibility'? It’s all about keeping things airborne—especially the money!.
• Headline: Sharper Than Serpents’ Teeth. Impact: The production of 'King Lear' starring John Lithgow brought Shakespeare back into the spotlight, prompting everyone to suddenly become experts in Elizabethan drama. As a result, long-forgotten insults like 'thou art a boil on the buttocks of humanity' became common office banter.. Fact: Did you know that John Lithgow once considered a career in finance before realizing he was better suited for Shakespeare? Imagine him reciting soliloquies while balancing a budget. Talk about a tragic comedy!.