AUGUST 4, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nascar's Push for Concussion Safety. Impact: The coalition of Nascar teams may have led to the inception of the 'Concussion Awareness Day', where drivers celebrate their hard knocks with a day off, ironically leading to an increase in injuries from celebratory donuts.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing faster than a Nascar car is the rate at which drivers forget what happened during the race? It's all in the name of sport!.
• Headline: Wealth Managers Use Spy Techniques for Portfolios. Impact: The use of spy tools in wealth management could eventually lead to a scenario where financial advisors monitor clients like reality TV producers, creating a new genre: 'Real Wealthy Spies of Wall Street'.. Fact: Fun fact: If financial advice is like espionage, then your portfolio is basically a secret agent with a double life. Just don’t expect it to wear a tuxedo..
• Headline: Provocative Remarks and Public Fallout. Impact: Stephen A. Smith's suspension may have sparked a future where commentators are required to wear shock collars to prevent them from saying anything remotely controversial, making sports commentary a truly electrifying experience.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of sports commentary, the only thing that gets more suspended than Stephen A. Smith is common sense?.
• Headline: As Oysters Die, Climate Policy Goes on the Stump. Impact: As oyster populations dwindle, this crisis might lead to oysters being declared an endangered species, prompting the world to hold 'Oyster Conservation Raves' where people dance to techno music while lamenting the loss of shellfish.. Fact: Did you know that oysters can change gender? Too bad they can’t change the fact that they're slowly disappearing due to our carbon levels—and we thought dating was complicated!.