JULY 11, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Natural Gas Pipeline Controversy in Massachusetts. Impact: The rift over the gas pipeline sparked a movement that led to the rise of eco-warriors who would eventually invent biodegradable bubble wrap—because saving the planet is more important than packaging convenience. Fact: You know, nothing says 'energy crisis' quite like arguing over who gets to ruin their own backyard first.
• Headline: Israeli Youth and Rising Extremism. Impact: The tragic killing ignited a chain reaction that saw a rise in social media activism, ultimately leading to the invention of hashtags that would make every cause feel like a trendy fashion statement. Fact: It's fascinating how a single event can cause a whole generation to become experts in extremism—perhaps they should add 'extreme tweeting' to their resumes.
• Headline: Klein's Book Tops Clinton's Memoir Sales. Impact: Klein’s book sales kickstarted a trend of dubious memoirs that came to dominate the literary world, leading to a future where every celebrity feels the need to write a memoir about their cat. Fact: Isn't it amusing how an unauthorized account can outsell a memoir by someone who actually lived through the events? Next up: 'Unauthorized Biography of Your Favorite Sandwich.'.
• Headline: In the Language of Romance, Romeo Santos Is a True Superstar. Impact: Santos’s success at Yankee Stadium set off a bachata explosion, resulting in a future where salsa dancing is replaced by 'the bachata shuffle' in office parties—because who doesn’t want to awkwardly gyrate in front of their boss?. Fact: Who knew that a guy singing in a language I barely understand could sell out stadiums? Maybe I should start singing in Klingon; I hear the market is untapped.