JULY 10, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Evaluating Vice for Economic Growth Metrics. Impact: The EU's decision to count black markets and red-light districts in G.D.P. calculations could lead to a future where strippers and drug dealers are the backbone of the economy. Imagine the EU Parliament debating the merits of lap dances as legitimate economic contributions!. Fact: Did you know that the red-light district in Amsterdam is so famous that it has its own tourist guidebook? Because nothing says 'cultural experience' like a stroll through a window display of humanity's questionable choices..
• Headline: Brazil's Historic World Cup Collapse. Impact: Brazil's 5-0 loss to Germany became a cautionary tale for future generations, leading to a bizarre ritual where football teams now sacrifice a goat before major tournaments to ward off bad luck. It’s either that or the emergence of a new genre of sad samba music.. Fact: Did you know that after this match, Brazil's fans invented a new tradition called the 'Anguish Dance'? It involves solemnly shaking your head while staring blankly at the television. Very moving..
• Headline: Central American Children Flee Gang Violence. Impact: The surge of children fleeing gangs to the U.S. border could eventually lead to the formation of a new 'Children's Army' that rises up against the oppressive adult world. Spoiler alert: they’ll be armed with crayons and a determination to take over snack time.. Fact: Did you know that the average age of a migrant child is now lower than the average age of a politician? Yet, somehow, kids still manage to have more common sense..
• Headline: Race Is On to Profit From Rise of Urgent Care. Impact: With the rise of urgent care facilities, we may soon find ourselves in a world where people treat minor injuries with the same urgency as ordering a pizza. 'I have a splinter!' 'Better call an urgent care hotline!' Welcome to the future of overreacting.. Fact: Did you know that urgent care centers are often so busy that you might as well sign up for a marathon while you wait? At least you could burn some calories before getting treated for that paper cut..