JUNE 12, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Economic Recovery Faces Significant Challenges. Impact: The economic stagnation in 2014 led to an increase in hipster coffee shops, where people gathered to lament their financial woes while sipping overpriced lattes. This, in turn, sparked a global trend in 'artisanal' everything, from bread to dog food. Thanks, economic recovery!. Fact: Did you know that a 2% growth rate basically translates to the economy doing the bare minimum? It's like a student scraping by with a D- but still expecting a participation trophy..
• Headline: Debate on Digital Sounds in Opera. Impact: The digital orchestra controversy made opera more accessible, leading to a boom in YouTube opera covers. Who would have thought that a virtual diva could inspire a new generation of couch potatoes to don costumes and belt out arias in their living rooms?. Fact: Fun fact: Most purists would rather listen to a cat fight than a digital orchestra. I guess they missed the memo that we live in the 21st century, not the 18th..
• Headline: Mickelson's Trading Allegations Addressed. Impact: Mickelson's overblown role in the insider trading saga led to a surge in conspiracy theories about golf being a front for Wall Street dealings. Little did they know, it was just a sport where people wear funny pants and chase a tiny white ball.. Fact: Did you know that Phil Mickelson is often referred to as 'Lefty' not just for his golf swing, but because he somehow always seems to end up in the left side of controversies?.
• Headline: Cantor Forgot Virginia Roots, Voters Contend. Impact: Cantor’s disconnection from his roots led to a new political genre: 'The Out-of-Touch Politician.' This genre blossomed, inspiring countless memes and making voters everywhere feel slightly better about their own elected officials—at least they're not that guy.. Fact: Did you know that 'forgotten roots' is just a fancy term for 'I was too busy making money to remember where I came from'?.
• Headline: After Primary Upset, G.O.P. Fears Infighting Will Take a Toll. Impact: The GOP infighting following Cantor's loss opened the door to a whole new subculture of political drama—think reality TV but with worse haircuts and higher stakes. This paved the way for future political scandals to be treated like episodes in a soap opera.. Fact: Did you know that political infighting is basically just a fancy term for 'we can't agree on who gets to be the villain'? Spoiler alert: it's always the one with the most money..