JUNE 3, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Valeant and Allergan Controversy. Impact: If only drug companies made drugs instead of money, we might have a world where the next big blockbuster is a miracle cure instead of a new flavor of overpriced Tylenol. But alas, the money gods prefer their sacrifices. Who knew the butterfly flapping its wings could lead to a future of overpriced prescriptions and questionable ethics?. Fact: Valeant Pharmaceuticals was so focused on profits that they could probably sell ice to Eskimos and still call it a 'health care solution.'.
• Headline: BNP Guilty Plea Impacts U.S. Operations. Impact: This inquiry may seem like a simple banking scandal, but it opened a wormhole where every bank started to question their ethics, leading to a future where everyone pretends to care about social justice while still funding questionable regimes. Thanks, French officials, for that delightful twist!. Fact: The only thing more twisted than this inquiry is the logic behind letting banks operate in the first place. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?.
• Headline: Bowe Bergdahl's Controversial Disappearance. Impact: Bowe Bergdahl's little adventure caused a ripple effect so strong it made every ex-soldier second-guess their own decisions. Who knew one guy's lapse could lead to a future where everyone now has to sign a waiver before leaving their barracks?. Fact: Bergdahl's story reminds us that while some soldiers bravely fight for freedom, others just fight to be the center of attention. What a spectrum!.
• Headline: California Chrome’s Quest for the Triple Crown, and the Lives He Transformed. Impact: California Chrome didn’t just chase a Triple Crown; he galloped right into the hearts of horse enthusiasts, leading to a future where every underdog horse story gets turned into a feel-good movie. Because who doesn't love a horse that can outrun its own past?. Fact: California Chrome was such a crowd favorite that his owners probably considered naming him 'America's Sweetheart' instead of a name that sounds like a fancy coffee blend..
• Headline: With Choice at Tiananmen, Student Took Road to Riches. Impact: Xiao Jianhua’s choice to side with the government transformed him from a student activist to a wealthy mogul, proving that in the grand scheme of history, sometimes selling out is the best business model. Who knew that aligning your interests with the powers that be could lead to a future of luxury and leisure?. Fact: Xiao’s journey teaches us a valuable lesson: one person’s betrayal is another person’s golden ticket. Who's ready to cash in?.