MARCH 3, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Forbes Magazine Set for Foreign Ownership. Impact: The sale of Forbes to foreign buyers led to a global shift in wealth reporting, resulting in an unprecedented rise in the number of 'wealthy people trying to dodge taxes' features. Consequently, tax advisors became the new rock stars of the financial world, complete with fan clubs and merchandise.. Fact: Forbes once faked a billionaire's list just to see how many people would believe it. Spoiler alert: they all did..
• Headline: Newsweek Returns to Print After Years. Impact: Newsweek's return to print sparked a bizarre time loop where print media regained popularity for a brief moment before plunging back into obscurity, leaving a trail of confused journalists who had just learned how to use Twitter.. Fact: Newsweek was once the leading news magazine in the U.S. until it realized it could make more money selling its own nostalgia..
• Headline: Security Risks in New Tech Start-Ups. Impact: Start-ups neglecting security opened the floodgates for hackers, leading to the creation of the 'Data Breach Olympics,' where companies competed to see who could recover from a breach the fastest, complete with medals awarded in the form of user trust.. Fact: In a shocking twist, many start-ups thought 'security' was just a fancy term for their office door's lock..
• Headline: Making Strip Clubs Go Dry, Then Go Away. Impact: The crackdown on strip clubs led to a resurgence of underground speakeasies, where people could still enjoy a drink and questionable decisions in secret, resulting in a new era of illicit nightlife that would make the Prohibition era proud.. Fact: The first strip club ever was opened in ancient Greece, proving that the human need for entertainment and questionable choices is truly timeless..
• Headline: The Airport Chaplain, Now Offering Earthly Aid. Impact: The introduction of airport chaplains ushered in a new era where travelers could get spiritual guidance right before boarding a flight, causing a spike in pre-flight confessions and existential crises at gate B4.. Fact: Airport chaplains are basically the last line of defense against a full-blown panic attack at 30,000 feet, armed with nothing but prayer and a comforting smile..