FEBRUARY 8, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Greece's Arms Scandal Exposed. Impact: This bribe-laden debacle led to a special instruction manual for future Greek officials titled 'How to Keep Track of Your Bribes: A Comprehensive Guide', which was promptly lost in a bureaucratic black hole. It also inspired a new Olympic sport: 'Bribe Dodgeball', where athletes must avoid being hit by flying envelopes of cash.. Fact: Bribery is so common in some places that the phrase 'It's just business' could easily be replaced with 'It's just Greek politics'!.
• Headline: Boehner Faces Right-Wing Pressure on Immigration. Impact: Boehner's struggle with the right created a ripple effect that inspired a new political genre: 'The Conservative Soap Opera', where drama unfolds weekly, and plot twists happen faster than you can say 'filibuster'.. Fact: If you put all of Boehner's speeches together, they would form a surprisingly coherent novella titled 'How to Alienate Everyone: A Guide to Bipartisan Discontent'..
• Headline: De Blasio Tests Political Might in Pre-K Push. Impact: De Blasio's push for pre-K funding led to an unexpected surge in toddler activism, culminating in the rise of the 'Tiny Taxpayers Union', who now demand their own seats at the negotiation table (complete with crayons and juice boxes).. Fact: New York City's budget for pre-K is so big, it could fund a small country or at least a really lavish birthday party for a toddler – with clowns, balloons, and a petting zoo..
• Headline: Minnesota Orchestra Returns After a 16-Month Lockout. Impact: The orchestra's return from a lockout reminded everyone of the power of music, prompting a global movement for musicians' rights and leading to the invention of the 'Lockout Lullaby', a soothing tune that helps ease the pain of prolonged negotiations.. Fact: The veteran musical director's first words upon returning were reportedly, 'Well, at least nobody's thrown a shoe at me this time!'.