FEBRUARY 6, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fashion's Attempt to Court de Blasio. Impact: Bill de Blasio's courtship with the fashion community inadvertently sparked a global trend where politicians started hiring stylists, leading to a new political party solely focused on looking good while making terrible decisions.. Fact: Did you know that de Blasio once wore a hoodie to a press conference? Because nothing says 'serious leader' like dressing like you're about to go play basketball..
• Headline: Bill Gates Returns to Microsoft Leadership. Impact: Bill Gates' return to Microsoft marked the beginning of a bizarre era where tech moguls traded philanthropy for corporate power, forming a secret society of billionaires that influenced global events through memes.. Fact: Did you know that Gates once famously said, 'If I had a dollar for every time I changed my mind, I’d be Bill Gates'? Oh wait, he already is Bill Gates!.
• Headline: Jihadist Return Is Said to Drive Attacks in Egypt. Impact: The jihadist return to Egypt initiated a chain reaction of political instability that led to a future where nations began hiring ex-military to manage their PR, creating a new profession of 'War Propagandist'.. Fact: Did you know that Egypt's military-backed government once tried to market itself as a 'peacekeeping force'? It’s ironic how the only thing they kept was the chaos..
• Headline: A Rough Final Winter for New York’s Sanitation Chief. Impact: John J. Doherty's messy final winter led to the establishment of a new city department dedicated entirely to managing public perception during snowstorms, proving once again that appearances matter more than actual services.. Fact: Did you know that New York's sanitation department almost hired a celebrity chef to improve morale? Because nothing says 'we care' like gourmet garbage!.