JANUARY 18, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Yahoo Executive's Surprising Pay Reveal. Impact: Henrique de Castro's outrageous payout led to a series of bizarre salary negotiations across Silicon Valley. Eventually, this culminated in a bizarre trend where tech executives began paying their pet goldfish more than the average American salary. Thus, the rise of 'C-Suite Aquarists' began.. Fact: Did you know that for every million dollars Henrique made, a puppy somewhere is now questioning its self-worth? It’s true!.
• Headline: Nintendo's Mobile Strategy Backfires. Impact: Nintendo's resistance to mobile gaming caused a ripple effect that led to the rise of countless 'mobile gaming' hipster cafes, where people gather to play games on devices that were once considered obsolete. Now, everyone’s nostalgic for the 90s, but they’re still using their phones. Good job, Nintendo!. Fact: Did you know that Nintendo once had a chance to be the 'Apple of gaming'? Instead, they chose to be the 'grandma with a flip phone.'.
• Headline: City's Shift Towards Fair Labor Practices. Impact: The proposal for sick pay sparked a nationwide movement that eventually led to cities across America adopting the policy. Ironically, it also resulted in a surge of 'sick day' vacation packages marketed to employees who just wanted to binge-watch their favorite shows without the guilt.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more contagious than a cold is the enthusiasm for paid sick leave? Just don’t tell your boss!.
• Headline: After Leaving Office, Bloomberg Is More Hands-On at Old Company. Impact: Bloomberg’s return to the company led to a strange chain reaction where former mayors everywhere suddenly decided to take advantage of their old connections. This resulted in a global trend of ex-politicians becoming 'consultants' for industries they once regulated, making the world an even stranger place.. Fact: Did you know that Bloomberg’s return turned Bloomberg L.P. into a reality show? Now, every day is 'Survivor: Business Edition.'.
• Headline: A Sneaky Path Into Target Customers’ Wallets. Impact: The massive data theft at Target caused a nationwide panic, leading to the creation of a new industry dedicated to protecting consumer data. This industry eventually birthed the 'Data Protection Olympics,' where firms compete to see who can keep your information safest while simultaneously selling it to the highest bidder.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing Target has managed to protect better than your wallet is their red color scheme? Talk about priorities!.