DECEMBER 28, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Turkey Legs Take Over Disney Parks. Impact: The rise of turkey legs at Disney led to a world where every theme park now competes to create ever-larger food items, culminating in the Great Turkey Leg War of 2025, where families had to choose between sustenance and mobility.. Fact: These turkey legs are so big that they could double as medieval weapons. Just imagine a turkey leg jousting tournament at Disney!.
• Headline: Local Residents Trek to Super Bowl 2014. Impact: The 'Ready, Set, Hike!' initiative inadvertently sparked a new trend of walking to sporting events, which led to a nationwide movement where people simply decided to walk everywhere, causing traffic jams to be replaced by pedestrian pile-ups.. Fact: In a shocking twist, 90% of those who hiked to the Super Bowl missed the opening kick-off while trying to find parking for their legs..
• Headline: Rise of Craft Distilleries in NYC. Impact: The explosion of small distilleries in New York caused a sudden spike in hipster culture, leading to an unprecedented rise in mustache grooming products and vintage flannel shirts, forever altering the fashion landscape.. Fact: It turns out, producing liquor is so romantic that it comes with a side effect of people starting to believe they can also brew their own artisanal coffee in a bathtub..
• Headline: A New Year’s Wish List for New York City. Impact: The ban on the Cronut sparked a pastry revolution, where underground pastry chefs began creating black-market Cronuts that were rumored to be so delicious, they could induce spontaneous dance parties in the streets.. Fact: In the aftermath of this wish list, a new trend emerged: people started sending their architectural complaints to the mayor via interpretive dance..
• Headline: Loyal Subscribers Keep Hobby Magazines Afloat. Impact: The steady circulation growth of hobby magazines led to an unexpected boom in niche hobbies, including competitive rock stacking and extreme ironing, ultimately resulting in a new Olympic sport.. Fact: Hobby magazines are the only printed material guaranteed to make you feel better about your life choices, especially when you realize that someone is actually getting paid to write about knitting with spaghetti..