DECEMBER 22, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Second Amendment and Mental Health Debate. Impact: When mentally ill individuals gain access to firearms, it creates a ripple effect that even the most skilled time travelers can't predict. Perhaps a butterfly flapping its wings in Texas causes a debate in Washington, which leads to a new reality series: 'America's Next Top Gun Control Advocate.'. Fact: Did you know that the Second Amendment was originally intended to protect the rights of well-regulated militias? But hey, let's just ignore that and focus on the 'freedom' part!.
• Headline: Clinton Tests His Legacy in Arkansas. Impact: Bill Clinton's Arkansas charm offensive may seem innocuous, but little did he know that his trips would lead to the rise of a new generation of political memes, transforming him into an internet icon that would distract voters from real issues for decades to come.. Fact: Fun fact: Bill Clinton is often referred to as the 'Comeback Kid.' Ironically, if he had a dollar for every time he tried to make a political comeback, he'd have more money than he actually does!.
• Headline: Jammed Schools: Staff Cuts Impact Learning. Impact: By cutting teachers while adding pupils, schools are essentially conducting a grand experiment in chaos theory. Who knew that a lack of resources would lead to a generation of future cat wranglers who can’t spell 'cat'?. Fact: Did you know that the ratio of teachers to students is so skewed that some classrooms resemble more of a circus than a learning environment? Watch out for that juggling math teacher!.
• Headline: Free to Speak About Russia, but Now From a Safe Distance. Impact: Khodorkovsky's escape from Russia's political grip sends shockwaves through the Kremlin, triggering a chain reaction that ultimately leads to a new Russian reality show: 'Dancing with the Political Prisoners.'. Fact: Did you know Khodorkovsky was once the richest man in Russia? Now he's just a regular guy who’s really into helping political prisoners. Talk about a career change!.
• Headline: After the Deluge, the Restoration. Impact: As Giorgio Vasari's 'The Last Supper' is restored, it inadvertently inspires a modern-day art movement where everyone starts painting over ancient masterpieces. Soon, we'll have 'Mona Lisa: The Graffiti Edition.'. Fact: Did you know that the original 'Last Supper' was painted on a wall and deteriorated because someone thought it would be a great idea to use tempera paint? Because nothing says 'timeless art' like a bad paint choice!.