DECEMBER 18, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Innovative Solutions for Flaring Gas in North Dakota. Impact: In the future, this innovative approach to oil drilling byproducts will lead to a vast industry of gas-capturing gadgets, which will ultimately result in a bizarre fashion trend where people wear gas masks as a statement against climate change. Who knew saving the planet could be so stylish?. Fact: Did you know that flaring gas is like the oil industry’s version of letting the last slice of pizza go to waste? Always a tragedy, yet it happens way too often!.
• Headline: ABC's Shift in Female Viewership Dynamics. Impact: This headline marks the beginning of a long-standing tradition in television where networks learn that catering to women might just be a smart move. Years later, this leads to a groundbreaking series on women in sports, but the irony is that it's still a ratings disaster because no one can find the channel.. Fact: Fun fact: 'female viewership' is actually code for 'let's pretend we care about what women want.' Spoiler alert: The ratings are still awful!.
• Headline: Tragedies of the Olympic Torch Relay. Impact: The cursed Olympic torch relay sets off a series of events leading to the invention of the 'safety torch' years down the line, which is equipped with GPS and a 'bad luck' alarm. Ironically, it becomes the most unreliable torch in history.. Fact: Did you know that the Olympic torch has traveled more miles than most people do in their lifetime? And yet, it still manages to catch fire... just not in a good way..
• Headline: Budget Deal Offers a Reprieve From Washington Paralysis. Impact: This budget deal is a temporary band-aid on a festering wound, leading to future generations of politicians who will still argue over the same issues. Spoiler alert: They’ll still be stuck in the same gridlock, just with fancier suits.. Fact: Did you know that every time a budget deal is made, a unicorn gets its wings? Just kidding, they all get stuck in Washington traffic too..
• Headline: Wanted: Schools Chief Who Has Never Crossed de Blasio on Education. Impact: The search for a schools chief who hasn't crossed de Blasio becomes a cautionary tale for future politicians, as it turns into a reality show called 'Who Wants to Be a Chancellor?' where contestants are eliminated for every tiny disagreement.. Fact: Fun fact: In New York, not crossing a politician on education is like being invited to dinner but being told you can only eat the breadsticks. Good luck with that!.