DECEMBER 16, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jets' Fourth-Quarter Struggles Cost Playoff Bid. Impact: Had the Jets not made those fourth-quarter blunders, they may have won the game, inspiring a generation of fans to believe in miracles. Instead, they merely reinforced the stereotype of New York sports teams being perpetually ‘almost’ great. Future generations might blame this loss for the rise of therapy dogs in sports bars.. Fact: Did you know the Jets' fans have developed an advanced form of denial, where they can convince themselves next year will be different? It's a remarkable psychological phenomenon..
• Headline: Bloomberg's Legacy: A Building Boom. Impact: Bloomberg's last-minute push for these projects might just be the reason future mayors will feel the need to leave a legacy. Imagine a timeline where every mayor feels compelled to overspend on ridiculous pet projects and future generations are left with an endless supply of half-finished monuments to mediocrity.. Fact: Fun fact: Many of these 'legacy projects' are so grand, they could double as monuments to the city's perpetual construction delays. Nothing says 'we care' like a never-ending construction site!.
• Headline: Beyoncé's Bold Move in Music Promotion. Impact: Beyoncé's choice to release her album without the traditional promo may have sparked an entire revolution in the music industry, leading to a future where artists drop surprise albums while lounging in pajamas. This could eventually result in a world where labels become obsolete, and the concept of ‘working hard’ in the music biz is entirely redefined.. Fact: Did you know that Beyoncé once released an entire album in a single night, breaking the internet? Meanwhile, some of us still struggle to get our Spotify playlists sorted..
• Headline: Sheriffs Refuse to Enforce Laws on Gun Control. Impact: This defiance might just be the spark that ignites a national debate about law enforcement's role in upholding regulations. In an alternate timeline, it leads to sheriffs forming their own ‘Wild West’ where they pick and choose which laws to enforce—thank you, Hollywood, for the endless supply of cowboy movies depicting this chaos.. Fact: Interesting tidbit: The phrase 'law and order' is often used in reference to TV shows, but in this scenario, it seems to just mean 'your local sheriff’s personal preferences.'.
• Headline: G.O.P. Firebrands Tone Down Their Message and Run Again. Impact: This strategic tempering could lead to a future where political candidates realize that screaming at voters doesn’t always win elections. Imagine a world where politicians focus on actual issues instead of just shouting slogans—shocking, I know!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than a political platform is a politician who suddenly decides to tone down their message? It’s like watching a lion decide to start a vegan diet..