NOVEMBER 13, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Private Funding in Syrian Conflict. Impact: Thanks to a few generous billionaires, the war in Syria turned into a chaotic game of Monopoly, where everyone is buying up properties while forgetting that real lives are at stake. This slight change in funding led to a rise in private armies and, ultimately, a new reality TV show titled ‘Survivor: Middle East Edition’.. Fact: Did you know that without private funding, ISIS might have just been a really aggressive book club instead of becoming a global concern?.
• Headline: Proposal to Raise East Side Skyline Withdrawn. Impact: The East Side was spared from becoming a sea of glass towers, ensuring that hipsters and pigeons could continue their caffeine-fueled existential crises without being overshadowed by new skyscrapers. This helped preserve the real estate market for overpriced avocado toast cafés.. Fact: Fun fact: If every proposed glass tower had actually been built, New York would have looked like a very expensive greenhouse!.
• Headline: Xi Jinping's Economic and Security Strategy Shift. Impact: Xi Jinping’s newfound power led to a series of economic reforms that, like a game of Jenga, began to pull out the blocks of state-driven industries. This opened the door for tech companies to flourish, leading to a world where everyone is now addicted to their smartphones and forgets what human interaction feels like.. Fact: Ironically, while Xi aims to reduce pollution, the sheer amount of internet memes produced during his reign has contributed to a different kind of smog: emotional distress!.
• Headline: Yellen’s Challenge at the Fed: Speaking Persuasively to Investors. Impact: Janet Yellen’s persuasive powers may have prevented an economic meltdown, but they also unknowingly set a new standard for motivational speakers. ‘How to Talk Money’ workshops became the new trend, making motivational quotes from the Fed chair the next big thing on Instagram.. Fact: Despite being the first woman to lead the Fed, it turns out Yellen can’t just say, ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’ when investors get nervous!.
• Headline: House Stalls Trade Pact Momentum. Impact: The House’s refusal to fast-track the trade pact turned the whole thing into a game of bureaucratic tug-of-war. This bloated the process so much that it became a cautionary tale for future politicians, who now view trade agreements as more dangerous than a game of Twister with their in-laws.. Fact: Did you know that the House of Representatives can stall so effectively that they could win a gold medal in procrastination at the Olympics?.