NOVEMBER 6, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Inequities in Public School Funding. Impact: This event created a time loop where wealthy elites decided that if they can't win at education, they might as well monopolize the moon. You see, if public school funding had been equal, we might have had a generation of astronauts instead of influencers.. Fact: Did you know that the richest school district in the U.S. spends over $30,000 per student? That's right, while some students are trying to learn math, others are just trying to calculate how much money they have left after tuition..
• Headline: Christie Secures Second Term Victory. Impact: Christie's victory was the start of a chain reaction leading to the invention of the 'Christie Diet' – where people just coast through life and still manage to eat cake. Who knew that winning elections could lead to new ways of procrastination?. Fact: Fun fact: Chris Christie once famously closed a bridge. Maybe he should have considered closing a few more schools while he was at it..
• Headline: China's Economic Challenges Unveiled. Impact: China's economic fissures resulted in a butterfly flapping its wings and causing a global shortage of hipster jobs, as graduates suddenly found themselves making artisanal soy milk instead of pursuing their dreams.. Fact: Did you know that in 2013, China produced more graduates than the entire population of the UK? And yet, somehow, they still can't find jobs for them. Maybe they should have studied the job market instead..
• Headline: MF Global Customers Will Recover All They Lost. Impact: The recovery plan for MF Global customers led to a future where people decided to invest in beanie babies and other collectibles instead of stocks. Because who needs financial security when you can have nostalgia?. Fact: Did you know that some of the customers who lost money were actually betting on the weather? Talk about a stormy investment!.
• Headline: De Blasio Is Elected New York City Mayor in Landslide. Impact: De Blasio's election marked the start of a trend where people thought they could just vote their problems away. Spoiler alert: they couldn't, and soon everyone was Googling 'how to fix my city in 10 easy steps.'. Fact: Fun fact: De Blasio's campaign was so popular that it inspired a new genre of political memes. Because nothing says 'I care about politics' like a good meme..