NOVEMBER 4, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sub-Elite Runners Pursue Personal Bests. Impact: The sub-elite runners, once overlooked, eventually create a secret society dedicated to improving running shoes using alien technology. Who knew that one day, an extraterrestrial marathon would be the new Olympic sport?. Fact: Did you know that the term 'sub-elite' was originally coined to describe people who couldn't finish their coffee before it got cold? Talk about setting the bar low!.
• Headline: Twitter's Global Ad Revenue Challenge. Impact: As Twitter's ad revenue grows, it becomes the primary source of income for struggling poets and cat meme creators, inadvertently leading to a renaissance of internet literature. Who would've thought a bird app could save the world?. Fact: Did you know that advertising on Twitter is like trying to sell ice to penguins? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Rodriguez Arbitration: A Major League Showdown. Impact: The arbitration saga between Rodriguez and MLB inspires a hit reality show called 'Baseball's Biggest Drama,' which eventually leads to the rise of a new genre of sports entertainment: courtroom sports.. Fact: Did you know that Alex Rodriguez once tried to negotiate with a pigeon for a better contract? The pigeon declined, citing lack of experience..
• Headline: Stratospheric Views, and Prices. Impact: The jaw-dropping prices of luxury apartments lead to an international competition to see who can live in the smallest, most overpriced space. The winner gets a gold-plated shoebox in Manhattan.. Fact: Did you know that in New York, even the rats have better housing than some people? Talk about gentrification!.
• Headline: Under Health Care Act, Millions Eligible for Free Policies. Impact: The free policies under the Health Care Act lead to an unexpected surge in yoga and meditation practices, making America the most flexible nation ever—physically and politically.. Fact: Did you know that 'free' often means 'free with a side of confusion'? Enjoy your health care with a sprinkle of bureaucracy!.