OCTOBER 4, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Twitter's Financials Ahead of I.P.O.. Impact: Twitter's IPO was the catalyst for a global obsession with social media stocks, leading to a stock market frenzy where everyone's grandmother suddenly became a day trader. Who knew a blue bird could flap its wings so hard it could send the economy spiraling?. Fact: Did you know that an actual bluebird has never traded stocks? Yet here we are, relying on a fictional one to dictate our financial futures..
• Headline: G.O.P. Fears Shutdown's Political Fallout. Impact: The GOP's internal strife over the shutdown led to a series of unfortunate events, like the creation of endless Twitter memes and the rise of political punditry that would make even the most casual observer cringe in fear. Thank you, politics!. Fact: Fun fact: Political shutdowns have a 100% success rate in producing more than enough hot takes and heated arguments at family dinners..
• Headline: Goldman Sachs Leads Twitter's IPO Success. Impact: The success of Anthony J. Noto and Goldman Sachs in tech banking sparked a gold rush for every wannabe venture capitalist, leading to a boom in overpriced start-ups that promised to revolutionize everything from dog walking to avocado toast delivery. Spoiler alert: none of them did.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'quarry' usually refers to a place where stones are extracted? Seems fitting since the tech industry seems to be mining ideas out of desperation these days..
• Headline: Car Fire a Test for High-Flying Tesla. Impact: The Model S fire prompted a nationwide panic over electric vehicle safety, leading to a wave of 'flame on' jokes that will forever haunt the internet. Meanwhile, the stock took a dive, proving that nothing says 'trust us' quite like a car spontaneously combusting.. Fact: Did you know that the chances of your Tesla catching fire are still lower than the chances of your neighbor bragging about their new Tesla? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Jobs Report Becomes a Casualty of Shutdown. Impact: The shutdown's impact on the jobs report led to a surge in alternative data sources, paving the way for countless analysts and data crunchers to emerge from the shadows, claiming to know more than the government. Welcome to the age of data chaos!. Fact: Funny how a government shutdown can create so much confusion that even the numbers start to look for jobs elsewhere. Is there a job board for reports on the lam?.