SEPTEMBER 20, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Navy Yard Shooting: Distress Signals Uncovered. Impact: If only the hotel had had a time machine to send alerts back to the past, perhaps they could have prevented the tragedy. Instead, they just made a series of unfortunate phone calls, leading to countless conspiracy theories about how lax background checks could have been the butterfly that flapped its wings.. Fact: Did you know that if you ignore red flags long enough, they just become part of the wallpaper? Unfortunately, in this case, the wallpaper was quite literally a crime scene..
• Headline: Iran Pursues Nuclear Deal for Sanction Relief. Impact: Iran getting a nuclear accord could have led to a whole new world of diplomatic dinners where everyone pretends to get along while secretly eyeing each other's snack supply. This could have sparked an era of 'nuclear brunches'—where nations toast each other with coffee and nuclear warheads.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Nuclear Accord' is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s agree to disagree, but also let’s maybe not blow each other up.'.
• Headline: Challenges for Fed Nomination Process. Impact: The pressure on Janet Yellen to perform flawlessly could have set off a chain reaction where every Fed Chair after her has to wear a superhero cape to their press conferences. Imagine the Fed meetings—'Will the economy rise or fall? Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion!'. Fact: Did you know? The stock market's mood swings are more dramatic than a soap opera. 'Will Yellen save us, or will she just be the latest contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Fed Chair?'.
• Headline: Private Schools Are Expected to Drop a Dreaded Entrance Test. Impact: Dropping the entrance test could lead to a future where private school admissions are based solely on Instagram followers and how well you can fake a smile in family photos. Who needs academic rigor when you can just look good online?. Fact: Did you know that standardized tests were originally designed to measure intelligence? Now they just measure how well you can memorize answers that you'll forget within a week..
• Headline: Such Sweet Sorrow. Impact: The success of 'Romeo and Juliet' with Orlando Bloom could have ignited a trend where every Shakespearean play gets a Hollywood makeover, leading to a future filled with sparkly vampires and action-packed soliloquies. Because who needs the original text when you have dazzling actors?. Fact: Fun fact: 'Romeo and Juliet' is basically a cautionary tale about how not to rush into things—like casting Orlando Bloom without reading the fine print of the script!.