AUGUST 16, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Thompson's 2009 Campaign for Mayor. Impact: Thompson's desperate attempt to escape his opponents' shadow actually led to the invention of a new sport called 'Political Hide and Seek.' This sport became wildly popular, inspiring future politicians to wear cloaks and capes. Who knew the future of politics involved magic tricks?. Fact: William C. Thompson Jr.'s campaign slogan was 'Who am I again?'—a real attention grabber!.
• Headline: New Gas Mileage Rules for Hybrids. Impact: The U.S. gas mileage rules inspired a wave of innovation that led to the invention of flying cars. Unfortunately, they were all just as gas-guzzling as your average SUV, proving once again that humanity can never have nice things.. Fact: Hybrid cars are basically the mullets of the automotive world—business in the front, party in the back, and still somehow confused about what they want to be..
• Headline: Vermont Sisters Revive Local Journalism. Impact: The Vermont sisters' embrace of small-town papers spawned a trend where local newspapers became the new social media. People started tweeting their breakfast orders, leading to the world's first 'Instagram for pancakes'—a culinary disaster.. Fact: These sisters are technically the sixth generation of their family to ignore their parents' advice and pursue a career in journalism. Talk about family tradition!.
• Headline: Philadelphia Borrows So Its Schools Open on Time. Impact: Philadelphia's last-minute borrowing for schools led to a nationwide trend of 'emergency loans for education,' paving the way for a reality show called 'Who Wants to Be a Borrower?' where contestants compete for the best debt.. Fact: Borrowing money to keep schools open is like putting a band-aid on a leaky dam—sure, it might hold for now, but good luck when the flood comes!.
• Headline: Easy Credit Dries Up, Choking Growth in China. Impact: The choking of easy credit in China set off a chain reaction that resulted in every hipster cafe on the planet running out of almond milk, proving that financial crises affect even the most obscure dietary preferences.. Fact: China's economic slowdown was so bad, even the pandas started investing in stocks—because who doesn't want a piece of that action?.