AUGUST 10, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dufner's Impressive 63 at the P.G.A.. Impact: If Dufner had broken the record, it might have led to a surge of golfers trying to replicate his slouch, resulting in a generation of golfers with terrible posture and back problems. Golf courses would have been filled with chiropractors, not caddies.. Fact: Jason Dufner's slouch is so renowned that it has its own fan club. They meet every Tuesday to discuss the best ways to look relaxed while performing under pressure..
• Headline: The Dog Days of a Summer Circus. Impact: A-Rod fatigue might have inspired a new trend in sports: players using holograms to represent themselves during scandals. Imagine the drama of a holographic A-Rod denying doping allegations while sipping on a protein shake!. Fact: A-Rod fatigue is now considered a legitimate medical condition, with symptoms including eye-rolling and sudden urges to change the channel..
• Headline: Oswald's Grave Mystery Unraveled. Impact: The resolution of this mystery led to an unexpected boom in conspiracy-themed tourism in Dallas. People flocked to Oswald's grave, hoping to uncover the next big unsolved mystery, like why the coffee at the local diner always tastes burnt.. Fact: Despite being a grave site, Oswald's resting place has more foot traffic than many shopping malls. Who knew death could be so popular?.
• Headline: In Cairo Camps, Protesters Dig in and Live On. Impact: The stalemate in Cairo could have inspired a new reality show, 'Survivor: Political Edition,' where contestants have to survive in protest camps while debating democracy and dodging tear gas. Ratings would have soared, of course.. Fact: Protesters in Cairo have developed a unique cuisine featuring whatever they can find, making it the ultimate fusion of street food and survival skills. Who needs Michelin stars when you have determination?.
• Headline: Fox May Produce Clinton Biopic Reviled by G.O.P.. Impact: The outrage over the Clinton biopic may have inadvertently led to the creation of the world's first 'Political Reality Show' where past presidents compete in a series of ridiculous challenges for public approval. Spoiler: Bill wins every time.. Fact: The GOP's disdain for Clinton biopics is so strong that they've considered time travel to prevent them from ever happening. However, budget cuts have halted their plans. Guess they’ll just have to grumble about it..