AUGUST 4, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Turf Wars Over N.S.A. Data Access. Impact: The NSA's data hoarding led to a series of turf wars among federal agencies that ultimately resulted in the creation of the 'Data Protection League'—a secret society of disgruntled agents who now meet in coffee shops to trade conspiracy theories instead of intel.. Fact: Did you know that the NSA's biggest rival for data is actually a group of squirrels? They've been known to gather intel on backyard barbeques since 1995..
• Headline: Fort Hood Trial: Confronting the Shooter. Impact: In confronting his attacker, Staff Sgt. Lunsford may inadvertently spark a national conversation about gun violence, leading to the eventual formation of a bipartisan 'Sensible Gun Control' committee that everyone will agree to ignore.. Fact: Fun fact: Fort Hood has seen more military trials than actual military engagements—who knew the real combat was in the courtroom?.
• Headline: Amazon's Labor Practices vs. Union Culture in Germany. Impact: The clash between union culture and Amazon's labor practices could lead to a new trend in corporate America where company policies actually respect workers—wait, who am I kidding? They'll just end up rebranding it as 'employee empowerment' and call it a day.. Fact: Did you know that in Germany, the word for 'union' translates to 'we just want to go home on time'?.
• Headline: In Nursing Homes, an Epidemic of Poor Dental Hygiene. Impact: The epidemic of poor dental hygiene in nursing homes could lead to a nationwide 'Brush-a-Thon' movement, inspiring young people everywhere to start flossing—not that they’ll listen, but hey, at least it’ll make for great TikTok content.. Fact: Surprisingly, pneumonia isn't caused by bad dental hygiene—it's just the universe's way of reminding the elderly to floss or die trying..
• Headline: Maybe CBS Can Visit Me on Weekends. Impact: The CBS and Time Warner Cable battle could lead to a new era of cable companies apologizing to viewers for their existence, each offering heartfelt, yet empty, promises of better service while still charging outrageous fees.. Fact: Did you know that the average viewer spends more time waiting for a cable company to fix their service than they do actually watching CBS? Talk about a riveting show!.