AUGUST 2, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fetal Pain Theory Influences Abortion Laws. Impact: If only fetuses could vote, right? Imagine a future where political campaigns are run by tiny beings advocating for their rights. The Butterfly Effect here leads us to a world where the fetal lobbyists demand their own political party, 'The Womb Party'.. Fact: Did you know that the concept of fetal pain is as scientifically solid as a sandcastle? Spoiler alert: it’s not..
• Headline: J.C. Penney's Turmoil and Trial Insights. Impact: J.C. Penney's financial drama could easily be the starting point for a blockbuster movie. Think 'The Hunger Games', but with coupons instead of arrows. Who knew retail could be this riveting?. Fact: Fun fact: 'J.C.' actually stands for 'John and Company'—a name that would likely be less famous than 'The Great Retail Sinking Ship'..
• Headline: Coming to an Old Friend’s Aid, With an Eye on the Clinton Image. Impact: Helping out a friend in a scandal seems like a great plan until you realize it leads to the eventual rise of reality TV politicians. Thanks, Huma, for opening the floodgates of political drama!. Fact: Did you know that if Clinton loyalists had a dollar for every scandal, they could probably afford to buy a small country? Or at least a few more loyalists..
• Headline: Obama Narrows Field for Fed Chairman to 3. Impact: The Fed Chairman selection process is like choosing the next contestant on a reality show, but with way more suits and significantly less charisma. This could lead to economic decisions being made based on who can do the best trust fall.. Fact: Did you know that ‘Fed Chairman’ is basically a fancy title for 'the person who takes the blame for inflation'? It's like being the designated driver for a party you didn't even want to attend!.