JULY 22, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cohen's Involvement in SAC Capital Scandal. Impact: If Cohen had just taken a long vacation instead of overseeing questionable behavior, we might have been spared a decade of Wall Street scandals. Imagine a world where hedge fund managers were known for baking cookies instead of insider trading. What a utopia that would be!. Fact: The only thing more questionable than SAC's actions was the coffee in the break room. Seriously, it tasted like regret..
• Headline: Netflix Disrupts Traditional Television Model. Impact: Had Netflix not disrupted television, we might still be stuck watching reruns of 'Friends' on loop. Instead, the world of binge-watching was born, leading to the rise of pajama-clad hermits – a powerful new demographic.. Fact: Netflix’s original idea was to just send DVDs through the mail, because who wouldn't want to wait three days for a movie to arrive? Talk about a revolutionary concept!.
• Headline: China's Drug Graft Investigations Expand. Impact: If GlaxoSmithKline had played nice, they could have avoided this whole mess. Instead, this scandal could lead to a global pharmaceutical housecleaning, where every company suddenly has to scrub their records cleaner than a germophobe’s kitchen.. Fact: In China, 'graft' isn't just a shady business practice; it's also a popular gardening technique. Just kidding – but wouldn't that be a fun twist?.
• Headline: Clones Rule as Hollywood Beats Drum at Comic-Con. Impact: If Hollywood had focused on originality instead of sequels, we might have a thriving industry of innovative movies. Instead, we’re left with a never-ending stream of reboots, which is basically like asking for new wallpaper while keeping the same ugly couch.. Fact: The only thing more recycled than Hollywood's ideas is the plastic they use at Comic-Con. It’s like a real-life version of Groundhog Day, but with more capes..
• Headline: Cries of Betrayal as Detroit Plans to Cut Pensions. Impact: This decision sends shockwaves through the fabric of American cities. It highlights the fragility of pension systems and may set a precedent that could reverberate through other struggling municipalities, leading to a nationwide crisis of trust.. Fact: Detroit once produced more cars than any other city, but now it seems like they’re just trying to drive their pensioners into the ground. It's a rough ride..