JULY 10, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stronger Financial Safety Nets Proposed. Impact: Increased bank regulations led to more cautious lending practices, which subsequently inspired a rise in underground bread-baking businesses. Who needs loans when you can sell sourdough on the black market?. Fact: Did you know that the last time banks had a 'financial cushion' it involved literal pillows stuffed with cash? Yeah, that turned out great..
• Headline: S.E.C. Faces Crucial Trial Outcome. Impact: The SEC's trial against Goldman Sachs traders led to more intense scrutiny of Wall Street practices, eventually resulting in the creation of a secret society of traders who communicate only through interpretive dance. Just wait until the first annual Wall Street Flash Mob.. Fact: Fun fact: Fabrice Tourre once thought about a career in interpretive dance before settling on finance. Imagine how different the markets could have been!.
• Headline: Newtown Moves Towards Healing and Closure. Impact: Newtown's decision to decline tributes sparked a ripple effect of towns everywhere trying to outdo each other in emotional resilience contests. Soon, there were awards for the best 'we're moving on' speeches.. Fact: It's ironic that declining tributes made headlines, but Newtown is still waiting for the 'Best Town at Not Accepting Tributes' award. They clearly don't want to be too popular..
• Headline: An Imp Makes Detours on the Road to Enlightenment. Impact: The fusion of animation and martial arts in 'Monkey: Journey to the West' led to a worldwide trend of mixing unexpected genres, culminating in the blockbuster hit 'Shakespearean Zombie Musical'.. Fact: Did you know that 'Monkey: Journey to the West' was almost called 'Monkey: A Really Long Journey'? They decided to spare us the existential dread..
• Headline: Fork in the Road for Barnes & Noble. Impact: Barnes & Noble's identity crisis led to a national obsession with independent bookstores, which in turn inspired a new genre of hipster literature: 'Books About Books That Don't Exist'.. Fact: Did you know that Barnes & Noble's path forward is like trying to find a book in a library organized by the Dewey Decimal System while blindfolded? Good luck with that!.