JULY 3, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fed Expands Basel III Banking Regulations. Impact: The Federal Reserve adds a to-do list, which inspires future bureaucrats to create 'To-Do List' apps. Fast forward a few decades, and everyone is managing their lives through reminders, leading to the downfall of spontaneous adventures. Thanks, Fed!. Fact: Did you know that the Fed's to-do list is longer than your average Netflix watchlist? Spoiler: none of it involves saving the economy.
• Headline: Beck Bennett's Adventure with Child Experts. Impact: Beck Bennett’s fame interviewing tiny experts leads to a global trend where children become the go-to consultants for adult problems. As a result, we now have toddlers advising CEOs on how to handle crises—because who needs experience when you have a sippy cup?. Fact: If only we had tiny experts to ask for tips on adulting. But let’s face it; their advice would probably just be to nap more.
• Headline: After Disaster, Bangladesh Lags in Policing Its Maze of Factories. Impact: The aftermath of the factory collapse spurs international outrage, leading to the creation of the 'Factory Safety Olympics,' where countries compete to see who can enforce regulations the fastest. Spoiler alert: everyone is still losing. Fact: Over a thousand lives lost, and yet the factories remain. It's almost like trying to fix a sinking ship by adding more lifeboats—without plugging the holes.
• Headline: Hoping the Songs Lead Him to Freedom. Impact: The spirituals in 'Choir Boy' spark a global revival of musical therapy, with schools worldwide adopting singing as a mandatory subject. Future generations will be so emotionally supported that they’ll never know how to deal with silence. Fact: Who knew that singing could bring kids together? Next up, group therapy sessions that involve interpretive dance—because why not?.