JUNE 29, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Quinn Mobilizes Volunteers for Primary Race. Impact: Quinn's relentless volunteer army somehow convinced New Yorkers to embrace more public transportation. Now, we have a subway system that not only takes you places but also doubles as an escape room. Good luck figuring that out!. Fact: Did you know that 'Quinn's Troops' is what they call the army of cats that patrol Central Park? Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be a sight?.
• Headline: Nets Boost Roster with Veteran Stars. Impact: The Nets' new attitude led to a nationwide trend where every sports team decided to hire a mood coach. Now, players are not only shooting hoops but also discussing their feelings in weekly team therapy sessions.. Fact: Fun fact: Paul Pierce once made a shot while simultaneously seeking inner peace. Multi-tasking goals, folks!.
• Headline: Obama's Visit Amid Mandela's Farewell. Impact: Obama's visit coinciding with Mandela's vigil created a time loop where politicians realized they should probably take a moment to consider the weight of their words. They did not, and we are still waiting for that enlightenment.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'I feel your pain' was actually invented during a particularly awkward political handshake? It’s true, just ask the historians who weren’t there!.
• Headline: Publisher Drops Book Deal With TV Chef Paula Deen. Impact: Paula Deen's book deal drop led to an unexpected culinary revolution where butter was suddenly deemed a health food. Now, everyone thinks they can put it on kale and call it a gourmet meal. Spoiler: you can't.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than Paula Deen's cookbook being canceled is the fact that they were planning to include a recipe for deep-fried air?.
• Headline: N.F.L. Star and Murder Victim: Where Diverse Paths Crossed. Impact: The tragic intersection of Hernandez and Lloyd's lives led to a nationwide discussion about the pressures of fame and the NFL's handling of its players. Now, every football fan is also a part-time psychologist.. Fact: It’s interesting to note that the NFL has a higher rate of players turning to reality TV than to therapy. Clearly, they’ve got their priorities straight!.