JUNE 6, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Publishers vs. Apple: E-Book Price Disputes. Impact: The dispute over e-book prices led to a mass exodus of readers back to paperbacks, which in turn caused a resurgence in the lumber industry. Trees began forming secret societies to negotiate better contracts, forever altering the dynamics of environmental activism. Fact: E-books may be convenient, but they don't smell nearly as good as an old book. Just saying.
• Headline: Alabama Debt Deal Costs JPMorgan Billions. Impact: JPMorgan's $1.6 billion loss triggered a nationwide trend of banks deciding to invest in 'not losing money,' which ultimately led to the invention of the 'magic money tree'—a concept still unproven but widely theorized by economists. Fact: If only they had invested in something really solid, like Beanie Babies or virtual real estate!.
• Headline: Financial Fears Gain Credence as Unrest Shakes Turkey. Impact: The unrest in Turkey ignited a series of global protests that eventually led to the establishment of 'International Couch-Sitting Day,' where citizens worldwide sat on their couches in solidarity, resulting in a significant spike in snack food sales. Fact: Who knew that protests could lead to such a cozy holiday? Next, we’ll be protesting with popcorn!.
• Headline: From ‘a Child of the House’ to Longest-Serving Member. Impact: Dingell's long tenure inspired a new trend in politics where politicians started to measure their careers in terms of the number of 'House Plants' they could manage to keep alive, leading to a nationwide obsession with botany in Congress. Fact: Dingell's office was rumored to have more plants than actual legislation. Apparently, they were better at growing than his fellow politicians!.