JUNE 2, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Syrian War on Regional Sectarian Tensions. Impact: This conflict essentially kicked off a chain reaction where every angry neighbor decided to throw their hat in the ring, leading to a ‘who-can-make-it-worse’ contest. Spoiler: they all won.. Fact: Did you know that sectarian strife is just like a bad cold? It spreads, and before you know it, everyone’s coughing up drama on the world stage..
• Headline: A Breakout Year for Black Films. Impact: This moment marked the beginning of Hollywood's realization that diverse stories could actually make money. Who knew? Next up, they might discover that women can direct too!. Fact: Fun fact: Before this breakout year, Hollywood was convinced that black stories were only for niche markets. Clearly, they were too busy making the same superhero movie for the 25th time..
• Headline: Holder Contemplates Resignation Amidst Dissent. Impact: Holder's struggles paved the way for future AGs to realize that stepping into office means stepping into a minefield. The position is basically 'How to dodge bullets while trying to fix everything.'. Fact: Did you know that being Attorney General is like being the most popular kid in school—everyone wants you to fix their problems, but everyone secretly hopes you fail?.
• Headline: Long Ball Sends Hughes and Yanks a Step Backward. Impact: Phil Hughes’ performance sent shockwaves through the Yankees' fanbase, leading to a collective crisis where thousands wondered if they had accidentally joined a circus instead of a baseball team.. Fact: Did you know that in baseball, a 'long ball' is not a compliment? It’s more like a polite way of saying, 'Oops, there goes another one over the fence!'.