JUNE 1, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Olympic Committee Adjusts for 2024 Games. Impact: This move to mend ties with the I.O.C. not only set the stage for the 2024 Summer Games but also inadvertently led to a surge in the popularity of synchronized swimming. Who knew that fixing relationships could make people want to wear sparkly swimsuits?. Fact: The last time the U.S. tried to mend ties with the I.O.C., they ended up with a lot of athletes getting 'creative' with their training regimens. Let's hope they're not considering full-contact knitting this time..
• Headline: Spirit Airlines: The Low-Fare Approach. Impact: Spirit Airlines' model of low fares and high fees has inspired a new genre of airlines that charge you for breathing if you’re not careful. Expect a future where your seat comes with a $10 surcharge for the 'luxury' of sitting upright.. Fact: Spirit Airlines is the only airline that will make you reconsider your life choices with every fee. Want to use the bathroom? That’ll be $5, please..
• Headline: G.M. Revamps Malibu Amid Market Challenges. Impact: G.M.'s Malibu revamp not only revived their sales but also sparked a secret underground society of sedan enthusiasts who now meet in basements to discuss the finer points of grille design. Who knew sedans could be so edgy?. Fact: The Malibu is named after the city in California, known for its beaches and fancy people. Just like the car, it looks good but might not take you anywhere exciting..
• Headline: Hunch About Bloomberg Brought Rivals Together. Impact: The suspicions about Bloomberg monitoring bank executives led to a series of paranoid phone calls, resulting in a secretive banker alliance which eventually formed a 'No Bloomberg' club. Meetings consist of whispering and avoiding eye contact.. Fact: Bloomberg is so influential that even whispers about him can cause a stock market fluctuation. Imagine if he started a rumor that he liked pineapple on pizza..
• Headline: One Obstacle Won’t Budge in Japan’s Fight With Deflation. Impact: Japan's struggle with deflation created an economic time loop, where every time they tried to raise prices, the prices just shrugged and said, 'Nah.' This caused a nationwide phenomenon of hoarding cans of soda, believing they might be worth something someday.. Fact: Deflation is when prices fall, and it's so stubborn that it makes a toddler throwing a tantrum look like a model of compliance. Good luck with that, Japan!.