MAY 20, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tamerlan Tsarnaev and Dagestan's Conflict. Impact: If Tamerlan Tsarnaev had chosen to become a professional pastry chef instead of getting involved in conflict, the Boston bombings might have been replaced by an annual pastry-off where people bake for world peace. The ripple of flour and sugar could have changed the course of history! Who doesn't love cupcakes?. Fact: Did you know that Dagestan has the highest number of world champions in combat sports? It's almost as if they channel their aggression into something less destructive... like wrestling!.
• Headline: Hollywood Studios Expansion Plans Unveiled. Impact: Hollywood's 'bold growth plans' could lead to a future where every street corner has a theme park and every bathroom has its own blockbuster movie. Imagine waiting in line for the bathroom to watch 'The Avengers: Toilet Edition'!. Fact: Did you know that Hollywood studios are just as good at playing Monopoly as they are at making movies? They just keep buying up the properties and raising the rent!.
• Headline: Levine's Triumphant Return to Carnegie Hall. Impact: James Levine’s return to Carnegie Hall could have sparked a musical renaissance where orchestras start using modern instruments like electric guitars and synthesizers, leading to a symphonic revolution. Imagine Beethoven’s Fifth played in a rock concert style!. Fact: Did you know that Carnegie Hall was originally built as a place for people to show off their talent? It’s the original influencer stage, complete with a very high cover charge!.
• Headline: Stockholder Power Faces Test at JPMorgan. Impact: If JPMorgan actually goes through with splitting the roles of chairman and CEO, it might create a domino effect where all banks start adopting this practice. Soon, banks could be hiring life coaches for their executives to help them split their personality too!. Fact: Did you know that Jamie Dimon has been the face of JPMorgan for so long that he might as well be their mascot? Next, we’ll see him in a suit with a top hat and a cane!.
• Headline: Hackers From China Resume Attacks on U.S. Targets. Impact: If the hackers from China had decided to use their skills for good instead of evil, we might be living in a world where they hack into government systems to give everyone free Wi-Fi and unlimited pizza. Just imagine the utopia!. Fact: Did you know that cyber warfare is just like regular warfare, but with fewer explosions and more memes? The stakes are high, but at least the snacks are free!.